Season's grievings: When the holidays aren't happy
Happy Holidays, Joy of the Season, Merry Christmas, Comfort and Joy! These phrases are not happy or helpful to people who are grieving during the holiday season. Holidays, which are indeed a traditional time for family and friends to gather and share the happiness, warmth and spirituality of the season, are often burdensome, difficult, and painful for those who have lost a loved one; whether recently or not. The holidays make the loss more acute and poignant than ever. But there is help right here in Pike County, as well as elsewhere. Among the local support groups and professional help there is The Compassionate Friends(TCF), Survivors of Suicide (SOS), and A Counseling Center for all types of grief support (see resource box ). In addition, there are a number of books as well as tremendous support on the Internet. In fact, if you Google “Holiday Grieving” on the Internet, you will find 362,000 results. In this article, we have interviewed a number of experts both locally and elsewhere in an attempt to bring their advice to our readers and try to help make it easier to cope with the holidays. Grief comes in all sizes. There is grief for the loss of a mother, father, infant, child, sibling. There are also distinct types of grief, such as that experienced by teens, parents, and survivors of suicide. Stages of grief Dr. Nancy Schimelpfening (in her article “When Grief comes Home for the Holidays” (www.depression.about.com) mentions five stages of grief which apply to both the person who is dying and those who love them. . Denial and Isolation Anger Bargaining with God Depression (Holiday Blues when it occurs around the holidays) Acceptance- for survivors, this will be a time when the healing begins. Loss of a child The Compassionate Friends (TCF) is a national non-profit, self-help support organization offering friendship, understanding and hope to bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings. TCF, based in Oakbrook, Ill., has over 600 chapters nation-wide. Most of the leaders of these local chapters have lost a child themselves so their empathy is critical. Wayne Loder, the public awareness coordinator of National TCF said with sad personal knowledge, “When you lose a child, it’s the ultimate loss. It’s not natural for a child to die before a parent. Your body goes into shock for the first year as you boldly try to make your way through this terrible ordeal. Many people cope by doing something that gives them purpose again, for example, helping others in similar situations.” That is exactly what Carol and James O’Connell did when they started the local TCF right here in Milford.(see box). Carol O’Connell lost her son, Ryan Eric Shafer, in 1995 from cancer when he was 17. She and her husband James wanted to do something for the community to give back. Carol says there is a special bond between parents who have lost children. In addition to having great empathy for others in their group, the O’Connells have set up the Ryan Eric Shafer Memorial Scholarship fund with DVHS, where Ryan attended and was very active in community service. Carol also writes a monthly newsletter with beautiful and helpful ideas for bereaved families. For example, including the name of the “angel child” on Christmas cards, or putting the name or initials next to a hand-drawn butterfly on the cards with the child’s name. (The butterfly is the Compassionate Friends’ symbol of rebirth.) Carol and James welcome families to their group and they are very compassionate in a dignified and comforting way. Survivors Of Suicide (SOS) Beatrice Cohen of Hemlock Farms lost her brother in June due to suicide. The indomitable Bea called every agency in Pike County, but could find nothing locally that dealt specifically with Survivors of Suicide. So, with the help of professional therapists Kathleen Donson, LSW, and James Carey, LCSW, as volunteer facilitators, Bea started a local chapter of Survivors of Suicide (which is the first chapter in Pike county and part of the American Association of Suicidology, based in Washington DC. (see box) According to Bea, survivors of suicide have special grief issues because they survive a sudden deathusually without a goodbye, and accompanied by guilt and shock. She says, “We weren’t trained to pick up signals. Most of us never saw it coming. There’s a lot of second guessing on the part of survivors.” Kathleen Donson is “in awe of Bea to think that a person would put herself out there in her own grief to help other people.” Beatrice Cohen says, “By my helping others, I am helping myself.” Kathleen Donson quotes five steps for dealing with grief during the holidays from The Link’s National Resource Center for Suicide (www.thelink.org), Namely: Change your traditions Do something special for yourself Give yourself permission to grieve Know that it is OK to laugh again. Whatever your faith or belief system, let your holidays be filled with grace and forgiveness. Kathleen Donson also offers advice to people dealing with survivors during the holidays. She suggests: Take their lead for whether or not they want to be alone Be available Grieving is a process. Don’t tell them it’s time to get over it. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve Help them seek support groups or connect them to professional help. Teen grief Dr. Gloria Horsley and Dr. Heidi Horsley, mother/daughter grief therapists have written a new book entitled Teen Grief Relief. (see box) These experts have had decades of family and bereavement clinical practice, as well as their own personal experiences in having lost a son/brother. The Horsleys provide parents and teens with a starting point to grieve, communicate, and then heal. They present real-life conversations and examples of teen thought and angst as they reveal the emotions that teens want their parents, relatives, and friends to know, but may not be able to express themselves. Some of their suggestions to parents include: validate and acknowledge your teen’s loss encourage them to go to a [teen] bereavement group listen in a non-judgmental way help teens start a graffiti wall that allows expression in words and art cherish the memories and make a CD, memorial website or scrapbook The Horsleys have additional suggestions to teens themselves such as: meditate, breathe deeply, yawn (to relax your throat) move the body- exercises, run swim, walk. One thing is clear from the messages of all of these people. And that is if you are grieving during this holiday season it is very important to know that you are not alone. Some resources... www.depressions.about.com The Compassionate Friends (TCF) www.compassionatefriends.org 877-969-0010 The Compassionate Friends: Delaware Valley Chapter meets on the second Thursday of each month at 7 p.m. at the Ingebord Biondo Building conference room, 221 Broad St, Milford, Pa. Contact: Carol and James O’Connell, 570-828-9249 email: carolo@ptd.net Surviors of Suicide (SOS): Pike County Chapter, meets the first Thursday of each month at 7 p.m. at the Blooming Grove Township building, state Route 739 in Lords Valley. Contact: Beatrice Cohen, 570.775. 4068. A Counseling Center Kathleen Donson,lcw and James Carey,lcsw; 1863 Route 739, Dingmans Ferry, Pa. 570-828-7050 The Link Counseling Center (national resource center suicide prevention and aftercare;) www.thelink.org www.griefjounal.com; A guide to journaling for grief relief American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: www.afsp.org Dr. Gloria Horsley, Dr. Heidi Horsley, Teen Grief Relief: Parenting with Understanding, support, and Guidance ( Rainbow Books; Oct. 2007, ISBN: 1-56825-110-5 )Dr. Gloria Horsley, Ph.D. hosts the weekly syndicated Internet radio show, Healing the Grieving Heart archived on www.thegriefblog.com